Come On, Just Lick It

I’m seven years old and this kid from the neighborhood is telling me to blow him.  He’s older than me.  He’s saying all the girls in his seventh grade class love to suck his ding dong.  He says one girl claims it’s the most super awesome penis she’s ever seen.  He says the girl’s gobbled everyone, so she knows what she’s talking about. 

We’re in the woods behind my house.  There’s no one around for about a mile.  The boy brought me here to show me where he camps.  He’s got a little metal pot and a can of beans.  Now he’s unzipping himself and fishing out his wiener.   I haven’t seen many, but I’m pretty sure no one calls this “super awesome.”  It’s purple and veiny, like when you wrap dental floss around your finger and it cuts off the circulation.  It looks like it’s going to fall off. 

“Just lick it,” he says.

“No,” I say.

“Come on, just tell me what you think.  Just–”

“Get away from me!”

“Stop being a baby and just lick it.”

“I’m not licking anything!”

I back up and he’s shuffling towards me.  He’s still choking his wiener with his fist.  His pants are falling down.  They’re around his knees.  I turn, take off running.  I hear him screaming.  Then I hear a thud.  I’m pretty sure he tripped, but I don’t look back.  I just keeping running and crunching over the dead leaves until I make it to my house.  My dad is out front cutting the grass.  He sees me crying and asks what happened.  I tell him about the boy, how he wanted me to put his ding dong in his mouth.

The boy is now across the street.  He’s out of breath.  His pants are back on.  My father charges over and grabs him by the throat.  I think he’s going to kill the kid, and I realize it’s my fault.  My father’s going to murder a child and he’s going to go to jail and I’m going to be an orphan.

I run over, beg him to stop.

My father pulls the boy up to his face.  My father says, “You don’t ever come around here again.  I mean ever.  You hear me?”

The boy nods.  His face is almost as purple as his pecker was.  My father lets him go.  The boy tears off down the street. 

I see him a few more times that summer, but he always heads in the other direction.


When friends find out my wife and I have threesomes with girls, a lot of them ask if that means I have to do stuff with guys.  It doesn’t.  My wife is the one into girls.  It’s not the other way around.  If we brought a dude into the bed, I’d just be sitting there hanging out.

My friend asked, “Would you ever do anything, you know, if that’s what your wife really wanted?  Like that’s what she needed to see?”

“I don’t know…”

“You would.”

I said I guess, but I’d need to be positive that’s what she really wanted.  It couldn’t be a prank.  Like “Ha ha, you blew a dude!”

But if that’s what she really wanted, sure.  I wouldn’t be excited, but I wouldn’t be freaked out either.  I’d probably suck a dick the way I’d eat a Subway sandwich.  Meaning I’d do it, but I’m not gonna brag about it to everyone.  Like “Holy shit, people!  I just ate a motherfucking Cold Cut Combo!”

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Sex Party – Part II

I don’t like getting naked around other men.  It’s not a sexual issue, but rather a safety concern.  You see, in my formative years, I attended an all-boys high school, located on the border between Kansas and Missouri — a fitting spot, considering the school itself teetered between being an institution of learning and a training facility for prison.  I can’t remember a single day when some unsuspecting child wasn’t hit in the balls.  The thought of stripping and exposing myself in front of those animals would send me into a state of panic.  When gym class ended, I’d wet my head in the sink and pretend I’d just showered.  I never took off my underwear.  I wasn’t just a year younger than my classmates; I was frail and hairless.  I cried every morning, begging my parents to let me skip today’s Lord of the Flies re-enactment.  I knew eventually one of these brutes was going to rip off my little dick, and sadly, this fear never went away. 

It’s why my heart was pounding as Jess and I followed the couple from Pasadena into their hotel room.  Brian and Claire ushered us inside and shut the door.  Brian pulled out their bottle of vodka from the fridge.  Claire put on some music. 

“I hope cranberry juice is okay?” Brian said.

“That’s great,” Jess said, taking the plastic cup.

I noticed an open suitcase in the corner.  I saw bras and underwear.

“I’m just sitting down because my feet hurt,” Jess said.  “This isn’t an all-play bed, is it?”

Brian and Claire laughed.  “No,” Brian said.

I started laughing too.  I still didn’t feel comfortable being in their room, but I no longer felt they were trying to rape us.  I sat on a chair by the vanity mirror.  Claire joined Jess on the bed, while Brian stood off to the side, clearly unsure where to sit.  I realized everyone was just as nervous and uncomfortable as I was.  We made a few jokes about the weirdos we’d seen.  Brian said he’d accidentally gone into a room with three biker chicks earlier.  They yelled at him for having pants on. 

Claire started touching Jess’s hair.  “Your wife is hot,” she said.

“Yes, yes she is,” I said.

Brian asked, “How’d you hear about this party?”

“I, uh, saw it online,” I said, suddenly embarrassed. 

“We kind of thought there might be single girls here,” Jess said.  “But I don’t think single girls come to these things, and that we were stupid for thinking they would.” 

“Yeah, we came here for the same reason,” Claire said.  “But I don’t knowyeah…”

“Sodo you two consider yourselfswingers?” Jess asked.

“No, I don’t know what we are,” Claire said.  “We just got married really young.  Like right out of high school.  AndI don’t know, I guess we sort of missed out on some stuff.”

Brian said, “We only started looking into things like this a month ago.  We’d fantasized and stuff, and there was one couple we met, but we were too shy and it got really awkward.”

He was so earnest and a little nerdy.  It was charming, but still mostly uncomfortable. 

I think Claire sensed my unease, because she quickly asked, “What about you guys?  Do you consider yourself…?”

Swingers?” Jess said.  “No.  We’ve had two threesomes with girls, but that’s over like five years together.”

Everyone took a sip.  No one really knew what to do or say. 

“Can I borrow my wife?” I said.

“Oh, sure,” Claire said.

Jess got up and followed me to the bathroom.  I wanted to go outside, but I heard people in the hallway. 

“What’s up?” Jess asked.

I whispered, “I justwant to check in with you.”

“Are you okay?” she whispered.

“Yeah, I don’t know.  I justwe said we weren’t going to do anything, and now we’re in this room and they’re nice and all, but Ijust don’t know what you’re wanting or expecting…”

“I don’t want to do anything with him, if that’s what you’re saying?”


“I mean, do youwant to see that?”


“What about…?”

“No, I mean, she’s pretty, but, you know, I don’t want to do anything.”

“She is pretty, right?”


“Would it bother you if I…?”

“No.  That would be awesome.”

“Okay, cool.  I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

We kissed and walked out.  Brian and Claire were trying to look like they hadn’t heard our entire conversation.  Brian asked, “Everything alright?”

“Yeah,” I said.  “We just… If, uh, something is going to happen here, and we’re not saying it is, I mean, we’re not expecting…”

Jess jumped in.  “Is it okay if it’s just us girls?”

“Oh, we would prefer that,” Claire said.  She turned to me.  “Not that you’re not…”

“Oh, no.  And you’reI mean…”

“Cool,” Claire said.  “So it’s just us,” she said and walked up to my wife, who started to fidget and blush.  The first kiss was sweet and awkward.  Claire’s hand started traveling down Jess’s back.  Brian seemed on the verge of giddy.  Then Jess said:

“Actually, I, uh, I’m going to step into the ladies’ room.”

Everyone sort of looked at each other.  Realizing we might be thinking she had to poop, Jess quickly said, “No.  I justI wanna take off my Spanx.  Sorry.”

“Oh, thank God!” Claire said.  “I’ve been wanting out of these all night.”

Claire lifted up her dress and peeled down her Spanx.  Jess followed suit and they both were laughing, and then stripping and falling onto the bed. 

Brian and I didn’t really know where to go.  We were both just standing there with our drinks, giving each other little nods while our wives went at it.  Finally, he sat on the corner of the bed.  I sat on the other end.  I still had no idea what I was supposed to be doing.  My face was right next to Claire’s butt.  I felt like I was staring too much.  I turned and looked at the painting of a camel on the wall. 

“Hey, this isn’t fair,” Claire said. 

“Huh?” I squeaked.

“Why are we the only ones naked?”

“Yeah,” Jess said.  “Take it off.” 

I wanted to kill her.

Brian looked over at me clearly waiting to see how we should proceed.  “Aw, fuck it,” I said and started unbuttoning my shirt.  Brian and I were trying not to make too much eye contact, especially as he took off his belt.  I was suddenly afraid of what was behind his zipper.  What if he’s got a huge dong? 

He was only about 5’9, but I’d seen videos of little men on the Internet packing Yule logs.   Then I thought, Or what he’s got a micro-penis?  How am I going to look at that?

Suddenly, I’m back in high school, terrified to get naked with another man, petrified of being judged, ridiculed. 

Finally, I got down to my socks, which I just decided to leave on.  I was vulnerable enough.  Brian and I sat on the corners of the bed.  The girls had clearly forgotten about us.  Brian, trying to get comfortable, tentatively leaned over and propped himself up on his elbow.  He was really close to me.  He turned and whispered:

“Your wife’s really beautiful.”

“Yeah, yours too.”

He kept whispering to me, and I have to say, being naked on a bed with another man is really weird, but it’s even weirder when the guy starts whispering to you.

I tried not to be too obvious as I moved away from him.  I crossed my legs, which just smashed my balls.  I was very aware of my penis.  I was not aroused at all.  I became self-conscious.  Here I was, a few feet from two gorgeous women making out, and I’m not hard at all.  But, on the other hand, I was actually closer to the naked man.  What if I do get aroused?  What would that mean?

The room started to spin.  I stopped breathing.  There was a hand on my thigh.  I opened my eyes, expecting to see Brian, but it was Jess.  She kissed me and asked, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah…”  I kissed her again.

The night went on, but nothing worth writing about happened.  We got dressed and exchanged email addresses.  Claire said we should go bowling or catch a movie. 

“Yeah, that sounds great,” I said, but I knew this was going to be the last time we saw them.  They were nice, but I was going to have too many hang-ups.

Jess and I gave them a final hug and walked out into the night.  The sun was going to be up soon.  Our car was parked across the street, but I didn’t want to drive.  I’d had too much to drink. 

“Are you hungry?” I asked.

“I’m starving.” 

Neither of us had eaten a carbohydrate since before the wedding in Texas.  Jess spotted a Denny’s down the block.  We took a booth in the back and ordered biscuits and gravy and a hamburger.  

“Oh my God, this is so good,” Jess said through a full mouth.


“We should’ve just done this.”


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