Brad Pitt Nude

A few years ago, my wife found “Brad Pitt Nude” on my browser history. She refuses to let it go. She’s relentless. She’ll just blurt, “B.P.N!” out of nowhere and fall over laughing.

She’s whispered it during sex.

Before we go to dinner parties, she threatens to tell our friends. She never would, but she mouths, “B.P.N,” every time I get up to grab a beer.

I break out in sweats. My heartbeat gets all wonky.

My wife thinks it’s hysterical.

She taped this in our bathroom.

She likes seeing how flustered I get. She owns me and she knows it.

I can’t take it anymore. That’s why I’m typing this, why I’m telling the world, “I LOOKED UP ‘BRAD PITT NUDE!’”

And it wasn’t just once. It was TWICE. Go ahead and judge. I don’t care. I’m taking back the power. My wife can’t hold this over me anymore.

Thing is, it has nothing to do with me looking at a naked man. If my wife came home and I was beating off to two dudes on my computer, she’d say, “Oh, sorry, I’ll let you finish.”

It’s the fact that it’s so specific, that it’s Brad Pitt Nude.

She knows I’m a fan. We see all his movies. I own most of them.

And not that it matters, but I wasn’t jacking off to BPN when I Googled him.

I just wanted to see the picture.

Here’s why:

In high school, Brad Pitt was arguably the coolest man on the planet, at least for me. Fight Club changed my life, and after seeing Se7en I actually outran a cop.

In the same way boys idolized Steve McQueen and James Dean, that’s how I felt about Brad Pitt. I didn’t want to kidnap or rape him; I wanted to meet him. I was a fan.

And in 1997 there was an issue of Playgirl. There were pictures of him naked. People were talking about it. It made the news. I was curious. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. But it was 1997, and the Internet wasn’t like today. You couldn’t just Google “B.P.N.” and scroll through a million images.

You had to get a hard copy.

I was too scared to buy it, so I got my girlfriend, H., to do it. She was grossed out at first. She thought I was gay. I told her that wasn’t it. There was a lawsuit. They were going to pull the magazine off the shelves. This thing would be worth money. I convinced her it was a business investment. She wasn’t very bright.

The next day she brought it over. I tried not to look too enthusiastic as she pulled it from her backpack. And there it was, B.P.N. Problem was, it was sealed in plastic. I couldn’t see the pictures.

The front door unlocked. It was my dad. I hid the magazine under the couch. Later, I hid it in my closet. It stayed there for months. I couldn’t open it. It was one thing to “accidentally” flip to an image, but to break the seal somehow made it perverse.

And to be honest, I was afraid of what would happen if I saw the pictures. What if I really liked them? What if they turned me on?

So B.P.N remained in plastic. It protected us both.

Over the years, I moved a lot, even across the country. BPN stayed in boxes, until eventually, he was lost.

I’d actually forgotten about it until a few years ago. My wife had bought us tickets to a double-feature of Se7en and Fight Club. Se7en actually held up better than I remembered. But Fight Club really jogged my memory.

And so later that night, after my wife fell asleep, I typed twelve letters into Google and finally saw what I’d denied myself all those years ago. I wasn’t giddy or aroused.

I was sad.

I thought about that kid in high school who just wanted to see a picture. He was curious, but he was scared. He was ashamed. He worried people would think he was gay, or that he really was, and he’d lose his girlfriend and maybe even his father.

But he had nothing to be ashamed about.

He was just curious.

And gay or straight, who doesn’t want to see a little B.P.N?

Have you ever been busted for something in your browser history?

Sex Party – Part II

I don’t like getting naked around other men.  It’s not a sexual issue, but rather a safety concern.  You see, in my formative years, I attended an all-boys high school, located on the border between Kansas and Missouri — a fitting spot, considering the school itself teetered between being an institution of learning and a training facility for prison.  I can’t remember a single day when some unsuspecting child wasn’t hit in the balls.  The thought of stripping and exposing myself in front of those animals would send me into a state of panic.  When gym class ended, I’d wet my head in the sink and pretend I’d just showered.  I never took off my underwear.  I wasn’t just a year younger than my classmates; I was frail and hairless.  I cried every morning, begging my parents to let me skip today’s Lord of the Flies re-enactment.  I knew eventually one of these brutes was going to rip off my little dick, and sadly, this fear never went away. 

It’s why my heart was pounding as Jess and I followed the couple from Pasadena into their hotel room.  Brian and Claire ushered us inside and shut the door.  Brian pulled out their bottle of vodka from the fridge.  Claire put on some music. 

“I hope cranberry juice is okay?” Brian said.

“That’s great,” Jess said, taking the plastic cup.

I noticed an open suitcase in the corner.  I saw bras and underwear.

“I’m just sitting down because my feet hurt,” Jess said.  “This isn’t an all-play bed, is it?”

Brian and Claire laughed.  “No,” Brian said.

I started laughing too.  I still didn’t feel comfortable being in their room, but I no longer felt they were trying to rape us.  I sat on a chair by the vanity mirror.  Claire joined Jess on the bed, while Brian stood off to the side, clearly unsure where to sit.  I realized everyone was just as nervous and uncomfortable as I was.  We made a few jokes about the weirdos we’d seen.  Brian said he’d accidentally gone into a room with three biker chicks earlier.  They yelled at him for having pants on. 

Claire started touching Jess’s hair.  “Your wife is hot,” she said.

“Yes, yes she is,” I said.

Brian asked, “How’d you hear about this party?”

“I, uh, saw it online,” I said, suddenly embarrassed. 

“We kind of thought there might be single girls here,” Jess said.  “But I don’t think single girls come to these things, and that we were stupid for thinking they would.” 

“Yeah, we came here for the same reason,” Claire said.  “But I don’t knowyeah…”

“Sodo you two consider yourselfswingers?” Jess asked.

“No, I don’t know what we are,” Claire said.  “We just got married really young.  Like right out of high school.  AndI don’t know, I guess we sort of missed out on some stuff.”

Brian said, “We only started looking into things like this a month ago.  We’d fantasized and stuff, and there was one couple we met, but we were too shy and it got really awkward.”

He was so earnest and a little nerdy.  It was charming, but still mostly uncomfortable. 

I think Claire sensed my unease, because she quickly asked, “What about you guys?  Do you consider yourself…?”

Swingers?” Jess said.  “No.  We’ve had two threesomes with girls, but that’s over like five years together.”

Everyone took a sip.  No one really knew what to do or say. 

“Can I borrow my wife?” I said.

“Oh, sure,” Claire said.

Jess got up and followed me to the bathroom.  I wanted to go outside, but I heard people in the hallway. 

“What’s up?” Jess asked.

I whispered, “I justwant to check in with you.”

“Are you okay?” she whispered.

“Yeah, I don’t know.  I justwe said we weren’t going to do anything, and now we’re in this room and they’re nice and all, but Ijust don’t know what you’re wanting or expecting…”

“I don’t want to do anything with him, if that’s what you’re saying?”

“Oh…”

“I mean, do youwant to see that?”

“No.”

“What about…?”

“No, I mean, she’s pretty, but, you know, I don’t want to do anything.”

“She is pretty, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Would it bother you if I…?”

“No.  That would be awesome.”

“Okay, cool.  I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

We kissed and walked out.  Brian and Claire were trying to look like they hadn’t heard our entire conversation.  Brian asked, “Everything alright?”

“Yeah,” I said.  “We just… If, uh, something is going to happen here, and we’re not saying it is, I mean, we’re not expecting…”

Jess jumped in.  “Is it okay if it’s just us girls?”

“Oh, we would prefer that,” Claire said.  She turned to me.  “Not that you’re not…”

“Oh, no.  And you’reI mean…”

“Cool,” Claire said.  “So it’s just us,” she said and walked up to my wife, who started to fidget and blush.  The first kiss was sweet and awkward.  Claire’s hand started traveling down Jess’s back.  Brian seemed on the verge of giddy.  Then Jess said:

“Actually, I, uh, I’m going to step into the ladies’ room.”

Everyone sort of looked at each other.  Realizing we might be thinking she had to poop, Jess quickly said, “No.  I justI wanna take off my Spanx.  Sorry.”

“Oh, thank God!” Claire said.  “I’ve been wanting out of these all night.”

Claire lifted up her dress and peeled down her Spanx.  Jess followed suit and they both were laughing, and then stripping and falling onto the bed. 

Brian and I didn’t really know where to go.  We were both just standing there with our drinks, giving each other little nods while our wives went at it.  Finally, he sat on the corner of the bed.  I sat on the other end.  I still had no idea what I was supposed to be doing.  My face was right next to Claire’s butt.  I felt like I was staring too much.  I turned and looked at the painting of a camel on the wall. 

“Hey, this isn’t fair,” Claire said. 

“Huh?” I squeaked.

“Why are we the only ones naked?”

“Yeah,” Jess said.  “Take it off.” 

I wanted to kill her.

Brian looked over at me clearly waiting to see how we should proceed.  “Aw, fuck it,” I said and started unbuttoning my shirt.  Brian and I were trying not to make too much eye contact, especially as he took off his belt.  I was suddenly afraid of what was behind his zipper.  What if he’s got a huge dong? 

He was only about 5’9, but I’d seen videos of little men on the Internet packing Yule logs.   Then I thought, Or what he’s got a micro-penis?  How am I going to look at that?

Suddenly, I’m back in high school, terrified to get naked with another man, petrified of being judged, ridiculed. 

Finally, I got down to my socks, which I just decided to leave on.  I was vulnerable enough.  Brian and I sat on the corners of the bed.  The girls had clearly forgotten about us.  Brian, trying to get comfortable, tentatively leaned over and propped himself up on his elbow.  He was really close to me.  He turned and whispered:

“Your wife’s really beautiful.”

“Yeah, yours too.”

He kept whispering to me, and I have to say, being naked on a bed with another man is really weird, but it’s even weirder when the guy starts whispering to you.

I tried not to be too obvious as I moved away from him.  I crossed my legs, which just smashed my balls.  I was very aware of my penis.  I was not aroused at all.  I became self-conscious.  Here I was, a few feet from two gorgeous women making out, and I’m not hard at all.  But, on the other hand, I was actually closer to the naked man.  What if I do get aroused?  What would that mean?

The room started to spin.  I stopped breathing.  There was a hand on my thigh.  I opened my eyes, expecting to see Brian, but it was Jess.  She kissed me and asked, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah…”  I kissed her again.

The night went on, but nothing worth writing about happened.  We got dressed and exchanged email addresses.  Claire said we should go bowling or catch a movie. 

“Yeah, that sounds great,” I said, but I knew this was going to be the last time we saw them.  They were nice, but I was going to have too many hang-ups.

Jess and I gave them a final hug and walked out into the night.  The sun was going to be up soon.  Our car was parked across the street, but I didn’t want to drive.  I’d had too much to drink. 

“Are you hungry?” I asked.

“I’m starving.” 

Neither of us had eaten a carbohydrate since before the wedding in Texas.  Jess spotted a Denny’s down the block.  We took a booth in the back and ordered biscuits and gravy and a hamburger.  

“Oh my God, this is so good,” Jess said through a full mouth.

“Yeah…”

“We should’ve just done this.”

 

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Sex Party – Part 1

A few years ago my wife and I had to go to Texas for a wedding.  My wife really wanted to wear the dress she’d worn on our honeymoon, and she challenged me to squeeze into my old suit.  We had two weeks to lose ten pounds.  My wife suggested the lemonade diet, which means drinking lemon juice and maple syrup, then shitting your brains out.  It’s disgusting, but we achieved our goal.

After the wedding, we figured we’d strut around a little before we went back to stuffing our faces.  Jess thought we should have a threesome.  She didn’t have anyone in mind and I was too hungry and lightheaded to start some extensive search, so I went online and saw an ad for a “swingers meet and greet” at a hotel in L.A.  We’d never done anything like this and we figured at the very least we’d get a good story, so we put on our fancy duds and headed downtown.

The hotel had a Moroccan theme with purple pillows on the floor and silk drapes hanging from the ceiling.  We were instructed to the ballroom, where we found a group of middle-aged weirdos gyrating on the dance floor.  Everyone seemed shiny and bleached.  There were guys in Ed Hardy t-shirts, and a lot of the women had visibly pierced nipples.

A small Asian man handed me a gift bag.  There were condoms, a dildo, and flyers for more events.  Off to the side, I spotted a buffet table of mini tacos.  The DJ was playing AC/DC.

Jess and I tried not to laugh as we took in the dry humping.

Within a few minutes I’d seen enough and said we should leave.

“Let’s at least get a drink,” she said.  “We drove all the way down here.”

I asked her to come with me to the bar, but she said she was fine watching the weirdos.  Reluctantly, I walked off feeling like an asshole for leaving my wife.  A woman standing by herself in this place was like chum in the water.  I quickened my pace and ordered two vodka sodas.  I noticed a shy couple standing against the wall.  They looked normal and out of place.

I brought the drinks over to Jess and she subtly pointed to a guy who had his balls out.

The shy couple began walking towards us.  There was nowhere for us to go.  We shared an awkward hello and I asked if they’d seen the guy and his testicles.  They said yes and asked if we’d seen the pregnant woman.  Thankfully, we had not.

The couple was in their 30’s.  The guy said they were from Pasadena, and like us, they’d never been to one of these things.  The woman talked about her two kids.  My wife asked to see a picture.  The woman pulled out her phone and show us one their family at Disneyland.

“They’re adorable,” Jess said.

The DJ got on the mic.  “Ladies and gentlemen, the upstairs is now available.  Feel free to take your drinks, but check your inhibitions on the first floor.”

“Upstairs?” Jess asked.

“Yeah, there’s a whole other party up there,” the guy said.

This did seem a little tame compared to what I’d imagined, even with the dude and his balls.  It reminded me of a bar in Kansas called Touché.  My parents used to go there when they were married.

The couple asked Jess and I if we wanted to go upstairs.

“Oh, I don’t know,” I said.  “We really should get back home.  We have a dog.”

“No, we don’t,” Jess said.  This was technically true.  We did not have a dog at the time, but I didn’t understand why she was throwing me under the bus.  She said, “Let’s go up.  I want to see.”

“Yeah, alright.”  I followed them to the elevator and gave my wife a dirty look.

On the drive here Jess and I had talked about what we were willing to do, about boundaries.  We’d had threesomes with girls, but we’d never done anything with a guy or a couple.  I suddenly felt sick.  It wasn’t just the thought of Jess being with another guy; it was the fact they’d just shown us pictures of their kids at Disneyland.  I imagined the little tykes at home with a babysitter thinking their mom and dad were at a movie.

Jess and I squeeze into the elevator with two more couples, who had to be their 60’s.  The women were wearing plastic beads.  I prayed they weren’t going to show us their boobs.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened.  A fat, naked guy was standing in the hallway eating a piece of cake.

I pulled Jess to the side.  “I really don’t feel comfortable.”

“Okay, we can go.  I just wanted to see what was up here.”

“I want to see, too.  I just…I don’t want to do anything, okay?”

“I don’t either.  We’ll go after these drinks, okay?”

“Yeah…alright.” It was, after all, my idea to come here, and honestly, I was curious to see what oddities lurked beyond the naked man and his cake.

We passed an open door on the left.  A woman in pleather was on the balcony blowing an old, hairy guy.  He kept waving to people down on the sidewalk.

The couple from Pasadena asked if we were hungry.

“No, I’m, uh, okay,” I said.

The guy offered his hand.  “I’m sorry, I’m Brian.”

“Hi…Brian.  I’m Anthony.  This is Jess.”

“I’m Claire,” Brian’s wife said.

We all shook hands and entered another room.  People were standing around a sad woman lying on a table.  Her body was covered with sushi and fruit.  Two men were bent over eating things off her boobs and shaved va-jang.

I quickly walked out and wandered into a room with two dominatrixes spanking an Asian man.  He looked over and I realized it was the guy who’d given us the gift bag.  I didn’t know what to do, so I just gave him a thumbs up.  He seemed happy.

At the end of the hall there was a suite with a big empty bed.  Jess had worn her most painful boots and couldn’t wait to sit down.

“Oh, that feels nice,” she said.

Brian looked around the room.  He suddenly seemed really nervous. “You, uh, uh, don’t want to sit there.”

“No?” Jess said.

“No, that’s the ‘all-play’ bed.”

“Oh…the what?” Jess asked.

“It means people can do anything they want to you,” Claire said.  “If you sit there, you’re basically telling everyone you’re up for like…everything.”

Oh God!” Jess said, quickly popping up.

I noticed a sweaty man and a woman with a neck tattoo on the other side of the room.  They were sitting back down on some folding chairs, both clearly disappointed Jess had gotten up from the bed.

“Thank you,” I said to Brian.

“Yeah, I figured that wasn’t what she was looking for.”

“No, no, no,” Jess said.  ”I was wondering why no one was sitting there.”

“Yeah, that’s why,” Claire smiled.

“How’d you know about the bed?” I said.  “I thought you two had never been to one of these things?”

“Oh, we haven’t,” Claire said.  “We got a room, and when we checked in, they gave us a little rundown.”

“Oh…” I said.  “Well, I’m glad you were here.”

“We’re glad you’re here,” Claire said, then leaned in.  “We expected it to be just a bunch of creepy people.”

“Oh my God, we did too,” Jess said.

For the next ten minutes, we just kept chatting.  Brian told us about the shipping company he worked for.  Claire mentioned they’d just booked their vacation to Alaska.  Jess said we’ve always wanted to go there.  Brian joked that his feet were hurting and pretended to sit on the “all-play” bed.  We laughed and drank our cocktails, and except for the old guy getting a handjob in the corner, it was like a normal-ish party.  People were sharing email addresses and eating snacks and talking about the Lakers.

Before I knew it, our drinks were finished.

“Is there a bar up here?” I said.

“No, it’s downstairs,” Brian said.

Claire whispered, “We actually brought a bottle of vodka.  It’s in our room.  We figured the drinks were going to be really expensive.”

“Good idea,” I said.

“Do you two want a…drink?” Brian said.

“Oh…I don’t know.  Jess?”

“I’d like one more,” my wife said.

And suddenly we were following the couple from Pasadena to their room.  Things were about to get really weird.

To be continued…

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