Super Bowl Sodomy

It’s Super Bowl Sunday, which means I’m nervous.  I can’t stop pacing.  It’s not even 11:00 A.M. and I’m already sweating.  If the Ravens win, I’m going to cry.  This must be what gambling addicts feel like, only instead of worrying about losing my kid’s college tuition, I’m afraid of what’s going to get shoved up my butt. 


My wife and I, you see, we have this bet.  It’s unholy.  It’s my fault.  I was trying to be funny.  I didn’t know it’d be annual.  Now I’ve turned this wonderful day into a horror show.  I should be thinking about the snacks I could make, the cocktails I’ll consume.  Should I stir something fancy? Something red for San Francisco?

But I don’t care.  I only drink to numb myself.  I won’t watch the commercials.  I won’t chuckle at the little kid dressed as Darth Vader.  I’ll just be wearing down the carpet around my coffee table. 

Thankfully, only my wife and dog will witness my clammy disposition.   We’re not having people over.  It’s too much stress.  I can’t pretend to be polite.  I don’t want my friends to see me like this.  Most would take too much glee in my misery.  They’d taunt me.  I already get enough of that from my wife. 

Jess is still sleeping.  She’s not even worried.  We’ve done the butt thing with her on non-Super Bowl days.  She’s fine with it.  I’m not.  I’m so so so not.  It hurts.  I make weird sniveling noises.  I curl up and ask to be held


Even if I win today, I won’t take any pleasure.  I’ll just be thinking about next year.

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I Don’t Do the Gay Guys, Man

Yesterday I attempted a humorous post about the media’s coverage of Manti Te’o’s sexuality.  I was trying to find something funny in a situation that made me sick.  Even in this enlightened time when our President calls for equality for every human being, I realized that an NFL-hopeful, even a finalist for the Heisman, could never come out before the draft.  He’d probably get scooped up by a team eventually, but he’d lose millions, because to take on a gay player would mean more scrutiny, more vitriol, more interviews, and possibly fights in the locker room.  With dickfaces like , the CB for the 49ers, saying, “I don’t do the gay guys man.  I don’t do that.  No, we don’t got no gay people on the team, they gotta get up out of here if they do.  Can’t be with that sweet stuff.  Nahcan’t bein the locker room man.  Nah.”

I like how he said, “I don’t do the gay guys, man,” leaving the possibility that he only does straight dudes.

I also like how other players are getting asked if they’d have a problem with a gay player.  , linebacker for the Ravens, responded, “Absolutely not.  We don’t care.”  He said, “On this team, with so many different personalities, we just accept people for who they are and we don’t really care too much about a player’s sexuality.  You know who you are, and we accept you for it.”

His teammate, Brendon Ayanbadejo, has also been an outspoken advocate for same-sex marriage.  He’s using the Super Bowl as a platform to speak about equality for the LGBT community.  Ayanbadejo has even said Chris Culliver’s anti-gay remarks have inspired him to reach out to Chris Culliver, who apologized yesterday.

reported his words:

“[I was] really just not thinking. [It was] something that I thought. Definitely nothing that I felt in my heart,” Culliver said.  “I support gay people, gay communities, and different racial [backgrounds]. It was just something I feel apologetic to, and I’m sorry that I made a comment and that hurt anyone — that I made a comment that might affect anyone in the organization, NFL, or anything like that.”

The apology doesn’t erase what he said, but it shows that progress is being made.  Minds are opening.  One day a player will have the courage to come out, and an owner will have the resolve to give him a contract.  A lot of fans and players will scream and rage, but the bigots of the world need to realize their ignorance and hate will not prevail.

Is Manti Te’o Gay?

Answering a question as complex and historically important as Is Manti Te’o Gay? requires such advanced journalism skills that few would dare venture into this sexual labyrinth.

Luckily for us, pulled out her big balls and asked the stud from Notre Dame, “Are you gay?”

Te’o responded, “No, far from it.  Faaaar from it.”  He laughed.  The audience laughed.

Case closed.  Nothing to see here.

But Dr. Phil wasn’t satisfied, and Dr. Phil’s balls are almost as big as Katie’s. So he sat down with the man behind the girlfriend hoax, Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, a man so devious he’s taken a name so delightful to say you forget he’s an evil mastermind.  Speaking to NBC’s Mike Taibbi on , Dr. Phil recounted how he whipped out his hairy testicles for Tuiasosopo.  “I asked him straight up, ‘Was this a romantic relationship with you?’  And he says yes.  I said, ‘Are you then therefore gay?’  And he said, ‘When you put it that way, yes.’  And then he caught himself and said, ‘I am confused.’’’


The earth rumbled as these two investigative Titans clacked their giant balls over the heads of us mere mortals, and we opened our mouths as the droplets of truth spilled over our tongues and down our throats.  We savored and swallowed the seeds of knowledge.

The conclusion to Manti Te’o’s sexuality, we would discover, actually consists of two completely different answers:

#1: Who cares?


# 2: Who gives a shit?