This post is going to be about putting things in people’s butts. If that offends you or if you’ve just eaten pancakes, you might want to skip this. Or bookmark it for later.
Okay, now that it’s just us sophisticated adults, let’s talk about the place farts come out.
I’ve heard some people receive quite a bit of pleasure from this orifice, but I’ve always considered the brown-eyed monster to be far too hilarious, inappropriate, and gross to even imagine reaching euphoria by shoving things up there. My tolerance for pain is embarrassingly low, and I’m prone to giggle fits when I’m nervous.
Just the thought of a finger creeping towards that area causes me to tremble. It’s why I’m so nervous about this Sunday, Super Bowl Sunday, to be precise.
My wife and I, you see, well, we have this bet. Every Super Bowl we each pick a team, and the winner gets to poke the other in the tushy. Yes, it’s juvenile and disgusting, but it does make the game more exciting.
The bet originated seven years ago. Jess and I were living in New York. We’d only been dating for a month. For the Super Bowl, we went to a bar with one of her friends. The place was loud and we weren’t really near the TV. Somehow we got onto the subject of anal sex. Jess told the story about her ex-boyfriend and how he asked her to use a strap-on on him.
“Did you do it?” I asked.
“Oh yeah. It was fun.”
“That…sounds like the opposite of fun.”
“Well, I wasn’t the one getting fucked in the ass.”
“Can we please talk about something else?” Jess’s friend interjected. “This is really gross.”
I turned towards the TV and saw the first quarter had already ended. We’d hardly seen a play.
“I feel like we should be paying more attention,” Jess said.
“I know,” I said. “But I don’t really care about the Steelers or Seattle.”
“Ooh, we should make a bet!” Jess said.
“Okay. Like what?”
“I don’t know. Not money.” We were both in grad school and broke.
“It should be something interesting then,” I said.
“Okay… Hmmm…” Jess was clearly coming up with something devious. Not wanting to be outdone, I blurted:
“God damn it, fucking stop,” her friend said.
I kept my eyes locked with Jess.
“Alright,” she said. “Winner gets anal.”
“Okay, it’s a bet – Wait! Winner gets to GIVE anal, right?”
“NOT cool,” her friend said. “I’m seriously going to leave.”
That night, Pittsburg and I celebrated victory. It was glorious. The next year, Peyton Manning brought me my second championship. I was unstoppable. I got cocky.
Then came the New York fucking Giants.
I won the coin toss, but I let Jess pick first. I knew she couldn’t resist her beloved hometown heroes. The years of cheering on the Giants with her dad made this a lock. She loved talking about the victory lap they took around the living room when Bill Parcells raised his fists into the air. But those were the old Giants. Eli and his buddies were facing the mighty Patriots. Undefeated. Bill Belichick. Tom Brady. The return of Randy Moss. The puny Giants didn’t stand a chance. The game was just a formality. In a few hours the Patriots would finally rip out the hearts of New York, New Jersey, and the ’72 Dolphins.
I almost felt sorry for Jess as I sat on the couch smugly eating nachos. I asked her if she wanted to get this over with during halftime. I told her she looked nervous. With two minutes left, I started strutting around the room.
Next, it was third down, barely a minute to go. Four Patriots broke through the Giants’ line like jackals. Eli scrambled. He looked terrified. I started to howl. But then Eli contorted his body and escaped. He chucked the ball to a leaping David Tyree. Who the hell is David Tyree? He caught the ball, pinning it against his helmet. The most ridiculous catch the world had ever seen. Jess jumped to her feet. She danced. She pointed at my face. “Oh, yeah! How you like me now?!”
I took a deep breath, told myself the Patriots were fine. Belichick was a defensive mastermind. There were still thirteen yards to go. But after a bullet to Plaxico Burress, a man who would become famous for shooting himself in the leg at a nightclub, the Giants and Jess roared in celebration.
“Get in the room, pretty boy.”
“I’m serious, go.”
“What, honey? You lost.”
“You…you…don’t even have a strap-on.”
“I have a vibrator.”
“Oh, God damn it. Come on.”
“You made the bet.”
“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” The walk to our room felt like the green mile. To be honest, electrocution actually sounded more humane.
Jess opened the dresser, pulled out her little friend. Its tip was curved. I started to well up.
“Anthony, hey, I’m just joking around. We don’t have to do this.”
“No, we made the bet.” Jess had never backed out of the wager. I couldn’t either. I unzipped and crawled onto the bed. “How should I…I mean, uh…?”
“I don’t know…”
“What’s easier for you when…?”
“I guess…on my back.”
I positioned myself, propped up a pillow, grabbed the backs of my knees.
I’d never felt more vulnerable. I realized this is what women must feel at the gynecologist.
Jess twisted the knob. Buzzing filled my ears. It sounded cruel.
“Do you have to turn it on?”
“No… I just thought it might be easier.”
“I don’t know.”
“Oh, just do it.”
I closed my eyes, felt the vibrating wand tickle the hairs on my butt. I started giggling.
“Anthony, come on.”
“I can’t help it. I’m nervous.”
“Well, it’s making it…close up.”
“Alright, alright. Just give me a second.” I took a few deep breaths, tried not to picture what was about to happen. I thought of the beers in the fridge. I should’ve drank more. I shouldn’t have been so confident. I should’ve been preparing myself. How the fuck did David Tyree catch that?!
“Okay, Anthony, I’m going to count to three.”
“Fine, whatever.” I counted along. “One…”
Why did I come up with this bet?
The tip entered my private space, but she hadn’t said three. Why hadn’t she said three? How rude!
I’m sure my scream could be heard from space.
“Stop…moving!” I said.
“Oh, okay, sorry. Do you, uh, want me to pull it out?”
“Uh…no…yeah…I don’t know…”
“Do you…like it?”
“No! But I’m afraid of what might happen if you pull it out.”
“Just stay still.”
And we sat there, neither of us moving. Finally, I opened my eyes. Jess clearly felt bad. I told her it was okay. “We’ll get through this.”
“I think I should pull it out.”
It was over. I curled into a ball. Jess held me.
“You still want to marry me?” she asked.
“Ask me tomorrow.”
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