The last time I took magic mushrooms I shit my pants. And I can say with absolute certainty, this was the worst moment of my life.
Let me set the stage:
Autumn, New York City.
I was in my first year in grad school. I’d made fast friends with two jovial drunks, Adam and Mike. Adam had lived in the city for years and took us to some of the filthiest bars and terrifying neighborhoods in Brooklyn.
One night he scored some shrooms and invited Mike and me to a rooftop on Flatbush Ave. I ate a stem and a cap. Mike shoved a fistful in his mouth and kept snacking every few minutes.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“What? You eat until you puke, and then you trip.”
“Who told you that?”
“I don’t know. Some guy.”
Ten minutes later, Mike was…
When the drugs took hold, the New York skyline danced and jittered on the horizon, beckoning us off this rooftop prison.
I suggested we take a walk.
“Dude, you don’t want to walk around here,” Adam said.
“Then why the fuck did you bring us here?”
“To do drugs. And now we’re tripping and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Well…I can’t stay here. I’m losing my fucking mind.”
I pestered. I whined. Finally, we took a stroll around the block. The place was like a demilitarized zone. Mike started writing our obituary.
“Let’s go uptown,” I said and we got a cab and Adam kept asking the driver if he wanted some of our mushrooms. We ended up at a bar. Adam started chatting with a few girls. I couldn’t stop sweating. The faces in the bar kept morphing.
Adam asked the girls if he could do drugs at their table.
“No,” the girls said in unison. They told him to go away.
I pulled him and Mike out the door. “Let’s go to campus. We can sit on the grass.”
We walked the five blocks to Columbia. I had to piss. I wanted to just whip it out and go on the lawn, but I knew I’d get arrested that way. So I took a deep breath, walked into Dodge Hall and headed for the men’s room. The stream hit the urinal and I farted, only, I didn’t just fart. I followed through.
Oh God…Oh God…Oh…GAWD!
Luckily, I was alone, so I jumped into a stall and assessed the damage. It was fucking awful and I was still high, which made it so much worse. I stripped down and tried to clean myself up.
How is it on the front of my knee?!
The door opened. “Anthony?” Mike said. “You alright, you’ve been in here forever.”
“I’ll just be a sec.” I used my bare foot to slide my shoe closer to me.
“Well, hurry, Adam’s climbing on stuff in the lobby.”
I finished wiping and tossed my underwear in the trash. I found the two of them on the steps. We sat there for a few seconds before Mike turned to me.
“Hey, man, I…I know what you were doing in there.”
Oh Jesus! I just started school, and now I’m going to be the pants shitter. Fuck.
“You were… You were masturbating.”
“Masturbating…Yes, I was. I was masturbating.”
“Well…why’d you have to take off your pants?”
photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/vaxzine/3544061128/”>vaXzine</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>cc</a>
photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/dorkstyle/2992721179/”>Nick DeNardis</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/”>cc</a>