I’m Coming Out, Too!

When my mom came out she was terrified of how people would react.  She didn’t know if the ones she loved would stand by her, but she took a “leap of faith.”  She trusted us.  And her bravery has inspired me to come clean, as well.  Yesterday, on The Ricki Lake Show, I was wearing Spanx.  And they weren’t men’s Spanx.  They were my wife’s Spanx.

There, I’ve said it.  And it feels good, almost as good as peeling off those tight pantyhose shorts.  If you want to judge, then judge.  If you want to click away, then click away.   I have no time for bigots.  I stand here proudly and a bit uncomfortable in this nylon sausage wrapping.

I had no choice.  My pants wouldn’t button.  I was ashamed and petrified someone would discover the truth.  I had to pee through a little slit in the crotch.  A few drops dribbled onto my new pants five minutes before the show.  My wife and I had bought the suit especially for my TV appearance.  Damn it, I knew the suit was too small in Macy’s.  I told myself I could trim down, lose ten pounds in six days.  I ran, ate nothing but spinach, but I only lost a few.  The button on the pants would fasten, but one wrong move, one tiny twist, and I knew it’d snap off and fire into the crowd, possibly hitting someone in the front row.  What if it killed my poor mom?  You’d be logging onto mygaymom.com/theladywhowasmurderedbyherfatson’stightslacks.

I tried holding in my gut.  I tried not breathing.  But the risk was too great.  So I mustered up some courage and marched into the closet.  And I came out in my wife’s undergarments.

Sure, I could make excuses.  I could talk about how I quit smoking nine months ago, and that when I’m stressed I sometimes eat when I used to have a cigarette.  I could mention how I’d injured my knee, which made running painful.  But it’s time I take responsibility for my belly.  It’s time I tell the truth.

Yesterday, I was on TV and I was wearing Spanx!  And it felt good, like a warm hug, a warm, sweaty, slightly chaffing hug.

27 thoughts on “I’m Coming Out, Too!

  1. I have met some men that should have been wearing them! We have made more Cameltoe jokes at the expense of a man that was needing them than we would if we knew! Freddy would be proud!

  2. Also, once you’ve had a baby, they’re great for helping your skin snap back into place! So…. you know…. keep that in mind for when you get pregnant. Which…. would also probably land you on the Ricki Lake show.

  3. Bahahaha!! Now you know how we feel!;) I just stumbled onto the video of your RL show appearance, I loved it! Kudos to you for your support of your mom and to her for allowing herself to live her life, to the fullest!

    • Thank you! My wife kept telling me I had to write it, that it was too funny. I’m just happy my embarrassment could inspire a few laughs. And it’s good to know there are a lot of us in this together.

    • Thanks, Andrew. It’s easy to be passionate when the subject matter makes me sweat from embarrassment. I’ll try to keep exposing myself though.

  4. This is the first time to your blog but I have to say, this entry was hilarious. All I could picture in my mind was a button failure, the button pinging into the audience. Excellent post!

  5. I’ve recently began following your blog and find it honestly touching and funny as hell. You got a cool mom and your wife seems to have fashion sense. I also think it’s great that you talk about being bi-polar. When you think about it it really easy a funny illness. I had an argument with my shrink. I just wanted her to take the edge of my manic episodes and to let me enjoy the high, I mean it beats the alternative. She didn’t go for it.
    And dude, what’s a spanx. Am I missing out on the next cool gay thing?

    • Thanks, Mike! Yes, I’m definitely lucky to have these amazing women in my little life.
      And I do find my bipolar humorous at times and try my best to share that on the page, but I also know the dark lows and how serious it can be. I hope I never come across as flippant. It’s nothing to be trifled with. During the early onset, it was absolutely terrifying. To go from elation to utter despair makes you feel like a rag doll in the hands of a maniacal child. Your well-being is completely out of your control. It’s awful and sometimes hopeless. And the messed up part is that the “highs” are quite marvelous, so there is always that desire to ride it out, to experience the reverse of those viciously black days, but I’ve learned it’s best not to go either place if possible, at least for me. It’s just too taxing on my sanity and heart.
      Now, in regard to Spanx, they’re sort of a stretchy girdle/pantyhose outfit. It makes you look like sausage, so unless that’s your bag, I don’t think you’re missing out on anything particularly sexy or cool.
      Again, I thank you for following me on this little trip. I hope I can continue to entertain. Cheers!

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